This Mother’s Day, I want send some extra love to the mamas still healing from a traumatic birth. As a birth photographer, I’ve come to realize just how much our birth experiences can shape us as mothers. With that, comes my motivation to advocate for birth choices and to do what I can do aid in that healing process.
As a mom to three babies, whose first birth was horribly traumatic, I have some personal experience navigating that difficult road. That process is actually how I became a photographer. I’d like to share a little of my journey, as well as the story of someone who has become one of my dearest friends through her own healing process.
For two and a half years after my first birth, I was painfully triggered by any depiction of birth. I had survived a 33 hour labor, including 4 hours of unmedicated pushing with back labor, and a c-section. My incision became infected while my son was being treated for pneumonia in the NICU, and our bonding process was interrupted. Despite 33 hours of being an unstoppable force…a determined birthing goddess, the only evidence of my strength seems to exist in my fading memories. Even now, those memories are overshadowed by pain and a sense of failure, especially since the only pictures I have are during and after the surgical delivery.
Wanting to avoid another major surgery, I fought to have a vaginal birth after cesarean (or VBAC) with my second baby. I gave birth in a Berkeley hospital with a midwife and doula. The pictures were all taken with a cell phone, but this time, I had visual proof of my power. For my third baby, I had another unmedicated, vaginal delivery in a birthing center in Topeka. The phone pictures from my 2nd birth, and the dark, grainy, and blurry pictures taken with an inexpensive, digital camera at my 3rd birth were instantly more valuable to me than my wedding photos.
There is a lot of red tape involved in giving birth. This is an area where I think it is very important to do a good amount of research into your options, caregivers’ expectations, and policies of your birth place. It’s a complicated topic that I am very passionate about and can talk for hours on.
Shared Birth Trauma
I can’t remember if I met Melissa before or after I started my business as a birth photographer. But, I remember the instant bond over our birth trauma. We were at “Birth Circle”, a small, local group dedicated to discussing all things pregnancy and birth. I also happened to take pictures of her and her first baby at an Improving Birth rally in Manhattan, where we were trying to draw attention to the importance of giving mothers a voice in how their birth stories unravel.
We were both tired of people saying, “as long as you have a healthy baby…” BIRTH MATTERS.
When my youngest was almost a year old, my birth passion, the trauma, and all of my natural artistic abilities came together.
I became a birth photographer.
Melissa has hired me for more than 20 photo sessions, including maternity, birth, and newborn photos for her son, Torin. My first birth felt like a complete disaster, but then I had two wonderfully healing VBACs. Melissa was not so lucky, and it wasn’t because she did anything wrong.
Melissa was very prepared for her home water birth, and I have countless pictures showcasing her strength and determination. I hope she is able to also see the beauty that transpired after the hospital transfer and her second unwanted cesarean section. Here is the birth story she wrote four months later along with some of my favorite pictures.
Torin’s Birth Story
After a traumatic C-section with my first birth, I wanted so badly to have a healing HBAC (Home birth after cesarean). I worked hard to heal emotionally from my first birth, build a supportive team, and make my health optimal for the birth I wanted. My contractions began in the early hours of January 21, 2017. I was 41 weeks and 5 days. They were irregular and manageable.
Once the sun came up, I notified my team to give them a heads up, but continued working through the contractions and preparing the house throughout the day. It was very exciting to set up the birth pool and make sure everything was in place for the birth. The night of the 21st I was still having irregular contractions and tried to sleep in between them. The next day, the contractions were still irregular so I went about my day, going on a walk with my family and letting my daughter play at the playground.
That evening I decided to call my team to join me at my house as the contractions were getting stronger. I labored through the night and into the next day.
On January 23rd I was 42 weeks and still laboring. I was in and out of the tub as the baby had moved down and I felt pushy several times. In the early hours of January 24th the team and I had a discussion about what we were going to do. We were all very tired, but we decided to push through and try to get the baby out. We tried many positions and techniques to move the baby down but to no avail.
When I began to lose my confidence and worry about my health and the health of my baby, I decided to transfer to the hospital hoping to get an epidural, some rest, and continue with a vaginal birth.
While I showered and got packed to go to the hospital, the team cleaned up, removing the birth tub so I could return to a clean house. I called my mother to come be with my daughter and left for the hospital.
Once we arrived at the hospital, my blood pressure had risen to dangerous levels, and the baby was not responding well initially. When the doctor arrived, he said that he did not support me continuing with a VBAC, and recommended a C-section. I was devastated, but knew that even if I tried for a VBAC at that point it was highly likely that I would not be successful without the support of the doctor and staff.
After about 80 hours of labor I was exhausted and I consented to the surgery. The surgery was not as traumatic as my first C-section initially, but after the baby was delivered I became very nauseous and started convulsing. The anesthesiologist gave me Demerol and I went into a deep sleep which caused me to not remember the first hours of my son’s life.
Ultimately, I feel better about this birth and was less traumatized because I was able to make choices that I was not able to make with my first birth. I am very grateful to the team of women who supported me and my wishes and made my pregnancy and labor beautiful and memorable.
As her birth photographer, I was with Melissa for roughly 50 hours of that journey.
Obviously, I had my camera on for a lot of that. I also provided hands on support, played with her daughter, assisted the birth team, tended to Melissa’s needs, and took brief naps when I was not needed. I understood her devastation on a very personal level. It was my goal to be able to show her how amazing she was even though she didn’t get the birth her heart so badly needed.
You can find the fusion video I created to document Melissa’s birth story here.
There should be no shame in grieving our traumatic births.
Healing takes time. However much time you need.
On Torin’s 8th birthday, Melissa shared the following words of wisdom and poem on Facebook:
To go along with Torin’s birthday, I often have a mix of feelings. I wouldn’t trade him for the world, and I do have hard feelings around his birth. I am forever grateful for the amazing women who were with me during my epic labor and I wouldn’t trade that experience either. Rachel Andresen, Tammy Karin, Autumn Brunsell Howe– I love you all.
I would gladly trade the actual birth part though, as I was traumatized by it. I often wonder how many other women feel that way about how their birth went. How they were treated and made to feel during that vulnerable and possibly scary time.
Well- I’m here to tell you that you are allowed to grieve the birth you wanted and planned for. Having a healthy baby is not the only goal. Mothers matter. Birth matters. I see you, I support you, and I am here for you if you want to talk. I am forever grateful for my dear friend, Tammy Karin, who was there through the whole thing and is still there cheering me on.
YOUR BIRTH STORY MATTERS
By Sarah Noble
I had a traumatic birth.
I felt I had no choice but to accept medical intervention.
I felt powerless.
I didn’t feel in control.
I felt unseen, unheard.
I felt let down.
I didn’t have the support I needed.
It was mentally and physically traumatizing.
So many mothers have a similar story to me.
They blame themselves.
They feel like their body failed them.
They felt coerced.
They didn’t have the right support that they needed.
If you felt physically and/or mentally traumatized from your birth.
You had a traumatic birth.
It doesn’t matter if someone else’s birth was “better” or “worse” than yours.
Your feelings are valid.
You tell yourself your feelings don’t matter, or it wasn’t traumatic enough, so you keep it buried inside.
How you feel matters.
You matter.
Your birth matters.
Trauma looks different to everyone.
It’s never too late to heal.
Words cannot express how personal this is to me. Honestly, neither can the pictures. My two VBACs were endlessly healing for me. But, I will never forget the overwhelming emotions of my traumatic c-section with my first baby.
Melissa and I became closer over the years as we navigated motherhood, divorce, and being single parents. I felt her pain each year as she celebrated the birth of her sweet babes. I see how proud she is of her children. She wouldn’t change a hair on their heads. But, that birth experience mattered. It still does. I recently asked her how the photographs helped in the healing process:
“Having the pictures from my labor with Torin has been incredibly meaningful and healing for me. After his birth, I was devastated, but when I saw the pictures and the video, it made me remember what a supportive environment I had with amazing women surrounding me during my labor and eventual C-section. My labor was peaceful, and dare I say, fun at times. Being able to look back at these pictures brings back the good feelings around his birth. I am also grateful that my support team was able to come with me into the OR to support me and document that part as well. As painful as it all was physically and emotionally, having these images has helped me appreciate the good parts of this experience and accept the not so good parts too.“
I get a great sense of purpose from being a family photographer. The thought of those precious moments being cherished, shared, and bragged about brings me endless joy. To know that my pictures also create a sense of healing makes me eternally grateful for the opportunity to document such important moments.
